In 1986 funky hair dye hit the market and we went to LaDonna’s, my mom’s friend and the coolest hairstylist that was always up for adventurous dos. Mom got a bright blue stripe and I hot a hot pink one. I was in the first grade at Queen of Angels Catholic School. I had to wear a brown plaid jumper uniform everyday. I remember the teacher telling me to wash it out. I told her it didn’t wash out, that it was permanent, that my mom had one too but it was blue. I also told her my mom said it was ok to be a punk rocker! She seemed horrified. I remember making hair bows out of the pastel blue and pink school tissues and wearing neon pink shorts under my dress. That was frowned upon too. The following year I switched to public school. There I was a bit more free to dress as I pleased. I was called “Punky Brewster” the entire 2nd grade by kids and teachers. I wore jeans with colorful patches on them and my mom tied bandannas around my legs. I wore two tank tops of different colors. I felt cool because my mom said I was cool.
In 4th grade I went to a different school, a small public rural school. I had a gym teacher that terrified me there. He would step on my feet when I would approach him so that I would fall on the concrete. He told us girls to put our feet up on the table in the bleachers when we wore skirts or baggy shorts. He would look up our skirts and laugh and make noises. I knew he was a perv but I didn’t have the language to say that yet. I told my mom and we were in the office the next day with the Principal. She made me tell the principal everything about this teacher and then she made her demands. He was not to teach me or anyone else again. And he didn’t! I don’t remember a big drama about it but I remember being so happy he was gone and enjoying gym class again. I was so glad I told my mom!
The following year she gave me a copy of Our Bodies, Our Selves. I read the the section about puberty over and over. I loved the part where girls shared their own stories. I knew that any feeling I had, and changes I felt, were totally normal because there were so many different ways to feel and change. My mom had a hysterectomy before I even got my first period and I had two brothers so once a month I felt very isolated. That book was such a relief on the days that I felt like I was going crazy.
Today is my first mother’s day without her. This day was never that big of deal for us. I can’t recall ever doing an elaborate brunch or giving her an expensive gift. My dad usually brought home a bunch of daises, which she loved. I never felt like I needed to go all out to tell her I loved her, that I appreciated her. It was deeply understood.
Today I’m pretty tearful. Not because she is gone, but because I’m so appreciative of her mothering. I know that I am a good mom because of her. I learned from the best and my kids are so lucky to be descendants of an icon. She was the Queen of play, supportive love, and adventure. She mothered on hundreds of kids but not by baking cookies and giving hugs, her style was so different than the moms I knew growing up. She told them they were cool and made them try new things. She made unique gifts for just them and remembered what they were into. She was so good at being a mom and everyone around her knew it.
Tips for an awesome Mother’s Day:
- I put some pink stripes in my hair today in honor of Barb! This pandemic is a perfect time to take some hair adventures. Get some dye, temporary or permanent, and let your kids feel cool with you. You don’t have anywhere to be right now so there’s no excuse!
- Buy a kid you know the latest edition of Our Bodies, Ourselves. In addition to providing evidence-based information, the book addresses political, economic and social forces that shape women’s health. It also includes personal stories and experiences, along with resources for additional support and political engagement.
- Women chefs make 20% less than male chefs and fewer that 7% of head chefs are women. Get some food from a woman led restaurant. ResaturantHER is a great way to find them.
- There are many reasons why kids can’t be with their moms today. Poverty should not be one of those reasons. Today, there are over 230,000 women incarcerated in jails and prisons, a 750% increase since 1980. More women are incarcerated in jails than state prisons simply because they do not have the funds to bail themselves out. They have not been convicted of a crime. National Bail Out is a movement to end pretrial detention and ultimately mass incarceration. Make a donation today and post bail for a mom so she can get home to her kids.
Be Like Barb 