She died 3 months ago today. The whole scene of her last days plays in my head over and over and I feel angry and hurt. Other times I am overwhelmed with happy memories or activities, stuff and remarks that are SO her. Those hurt even more though.
I was doing ok, finding distraction with work, traveling, and the kids but then coronavirus took over our lives. I try to be grateful that she didn’t get sick and die during this. And then I think of all the people who are dealing with sickness and loss right now. Mostly I think about my Dad, who is living alone with all-consuming grief for his soulmate during a pandemic lock-down. It has only been three months but as of today, we celebrated all four grandkids’ birthdays without her. 2020 is turning out to be the worst and yet we keep going. Trying our hardest to make it go by faster.
If she was here now…
- She would have so many good ideas on what to do with the kids. Kids would call her for advice.
- She would decorate her Easter eggs with a pandemic theme. Some would be dark and witty and others would be hopeful and bright.
- She would download all the best apps, join on all the birthday party zoom calls and send the best facebook messages, texts and memes.
- She would send everyone a pandemic package- full of things to do for kids, art, and self-care items.
- She would make art. All kinds of art. And give it all away to bring cheer to others.
- She would obsessively watch my new tik tok videos and like and comment on each one.
- She would be worried. Worried about the kids, worried about the elders, and worried about the people living alone.
- She would cry watching the news and scrolling through her facebook feed. She would mourn with families across the world losing loved ones to this disease.
- She would pray. She’d google “patron saints for the sick” and say things like “Did you know Saint Roch is invoked against epidemics and plagues?”
- She would plant her garden and remind us to look to Mother Earth for answers.
This Earth Day I started prepping my yard for a new wildflower patch. It aims to be as wild and colorful as my Momma. I can’t wait to watch it bloom. #belikeBarb
Be Like Barb 