By Benjamin Shown 2/22/20
There was plenty of advice our mom had given Stace, Pat, and I over the years. Don’t drive angry. Clean your bathroom. Don’t furrow your brow. But by far the most repeated and the one that has always stuck in our brains was ‘kill ‘em with kindness’. This advice would often be given when Stac, Pat, or I were fuming over mean girl conflicts in school, struggling with an incompetent boss or co-worker, or being bested by an unruly child.
Kill ‘em with kindness, she would say. Be so severely nice that the person won’t know what to do other than to get along with you. It works. It’s good advice. My sister, my brother, and I— we get along with lots of people. Our mom taught us so many different life lessons over the years, but this one, I believe, has been by far the most significant: how to genuinely be nice to people. To connect and care for others in meaningful ways.
Being kind is a pretty broad life lesson but it’s one that continues to be incredibly impactful to me in my life, my work, as a parent. Certainly to my sister and her family. And to my brother and his endless legion of friends.
Our mom also preached peace. Peace was very important to her, all the time. Which is why I do find her #1 advice line to be quite ironic. Kill them with kindness. It has a sweet sentiment, for sure, but make no mistake, you’re dead when I‘m through with you. I will kill you with how kind I will be to you. It’s actually kind of morbid, when you think about it. Which makes sense, our mom was also kind of morbid. As kids, our mom often took us to cemeteries and graveyards instead of playgrounds and parks. But anyway…
You are all here right now because you loved Barb. She probably tried to kill some of you with kindness, but you survived. In her unique way, she was so kind to so many people in her life. And as her kids, we had a front row seats to watch our mom be kind. It was amazing to watch.
As an adult – as many of you are – our mom probably did something kind for you. Made you a piece of art, helped out on some project of yours, mailed you a funky package of stuff, had a drink with you, maybe even something more profound and meaningful.
But to be honest, our mom did not care too much for adults. She loathed our busy, stressful lives. She was annoyed by our petty disputes. This, of course— because why deal with adults when you can be with kids. Barb much preferred the company of kids to that of us adults. She relished playing with kids of all ages. Kids relished playing with her.
She could connect with kids in a way that seemed rather SUPERNATURAL. Whether these kids knew her as BaBa, aunt Barb, Ms. Shown, or just Barb — they loved hanging out with her, playing games, exploring the outdoors, reading books, and receiving packages. Our mom’s bond with kids was and is truly stunning.
And it’s heartbreaking to know she’s gone, and to think about the kids’ lives she won’t have an influence on. But at the same time, we know she lives on inside the hearts of so many kids. Many in this room, including my sister and Symeon’s kids: Samson and Desmond. Kristen and I’s kids: Percy and Della Ganey.
My brother and Rena. They don’t have kids. But really— at heart and in size, my brother Pat is the biggest kid you have ever met. Pat has terrific toys, the best toys. Our mom LOVED hanging out with Pat. We all LOVE hanging out with Pat.
So let’s do just that. Let’s all hang out with Pat today, drink a beer, try not to be too sad, and let’s attempt to kill each other with kindness.
Be Like Barb 