My Christmas Message to Mama

Before Christmas I set up a recording so that people could call in and leave messages for my mom while she was going through chemo. Friends and family called in and we recorded over 70 sweet memories, songs, and silly stories. Thank you to all who called in. Here is the message I left:

Everything I do is connected to you. How I interact with people, how I think, how I watch movies, how I cook, how I read to my kids, how I yell at my kids, how I shop, how I talk to my husband, how I feel about myself, how I dress myself, how I see art, how I make things, how I enjoy music, and how I think about the world. I have always known this, even on the days I don’t actually think about you, but ever since you got sick it is like there is a spot light on all my interactions and all my feelings. I can feel the you inside me. When I went to the boys’ school to take in my African stuff, I felt like you. When I emailed my coworkers but edited it to sound more diplomatic, I felt like you. When I made chili and cornbread for dinner for my family, I felt like you. When we all watched Mandalorian after the boys got home from that rough visit to the dentist, I felt like you. When I walked around Aldi, Michaels and Goodwill this week pricing out things for Christmas and deciding if the deal was worth it, I felt like you. When a kid at Samson’s school ran up to me and called me Teacher Anastasia, she might as well have been saying “Mz. Shown” because I felt like you. 

This is probably not going to go away and these feelings will cause me to feel warm, happy and sad all at once but I wanted to let you know how much you made me who I am. 

Everyone says to give your children the tools so that they can grow up and build their own life. Most parents don’t seem to have a clue what this actually means. I know what it means because of you. I am not boasting that I have perfected it, but I sure know what it looks and feels like. 

You didn’t teach me how to swim really. You were never a good swimmer. I learned because you took us to the water…and often enough so that we learned. We swam with cousins, neighbors and random people on vacations. We swam in dirty lakes and fancy-to-us motel pools. You took us to the ocean …and more than once!

Not a month goes by without Symeon saying he is so glad he has a thrifty wife. He loves that I save on groceries, that I buy used clothing and that I will go great depths to spend as little as possible. He says I have mad skillz. I have only you to thank for that. I watched you turn nothing into magic so many times. Every single holiday was magical, every meal was delicious, and every outing was an adventure. I knew that we didn’t have enough money all the time (remember my diary recording from 1989?) but I never once worried about my well being. I was worried about you and Dad, but I never worried about myself because I knew you would totally and completely take care of me. I have always known this. 

You never sat us down to explicitly teach us how to talk to people that were different from us, but you gave us lots of opportunities to meet different people, to play with them and learn more about their lives. You did this by letting everyone come to the house. You did this by making us go to countless fairs, museums, and parks. You did this by taking us to shop at certain stores—Southtown Mall, the Third World Shop, festivals booths. You did this by taking us out of the state to visit family and places even you had never been to. And we read books about all sorts of people and places. These exposures made us practice communicating with all types of people. Probably the best tool of all. 

I can find lots of articles to explain how art influences all parts of like. STEM education is now being renamed STEAM education with inclusion of the arts. You knew this way before it was trendy. You gave us loads of opportunities to make art, to watch others make art, to see diversity of art. This wasn’t just exposure to crafting and going to art museums although we did that all the time. It was science fairs and school musicals. It was birthday party gifts for friends. It was creative snack trays that you brought to my room when I was doing homework. It was locker signs you made before my swim meets. It was all our Halloween costumes. It was the graduation and holiday cards you sent out. It was the letters you sent in our defense to our teachers, principals and other assholes that messed up. I saw you use your creative and artistic power everyday to solve problems, get messages heard and make the world brighter and more colorful.

The fun part about using the metaphor of tools is that I can so easily do the same for dad. He’s imparted just as many to us. In his own Daddy Don way. You two have given us the heaviest tool box. We will be lugging it around forever. And because of that we will be the strongest! 

I’m so thankful that I have you both and that my whole life was cemented in your love. I know now that marriage is hard hard hard, but you guys are gold medalists. Everyone is a fan and cheering you both on everyday! 

It is killing us that we can’t take care of you! We have watched you in pain for so long and it has created tension and stress. I’m so sorry. I love you so much mama. Merry Christmas.